I’ve been finishing up the last 3 months of a friend’s lease. The guy across the hall hasn’t come out of the closet yet, but we all know. He doesn’t interact with the rest of us… except to express his displeasure through letter writing. My friend got 5, and I’ve received 4 of my own.

Let me preface this post with a story: So my friend (who’s lease I took over) is moving out. We both arrive to his house only to find the roommate in question watching a romantic war movie on the same couch with 2 other guys. They are also all sharing the same blanket and footstool. Its not like there was a shortage of space. We have 2 couches and tons of blankets.
Since moving in, I have noticed quite a few other things:

• wears short shorts A LOT
• dresses WAY too metro
• speaks with a lisp
• NEVER leaves without cologne/mousse
• men came to the door asking for him
• I’ve never seen him with or speak to a girl
• RM that doesn’t go to church

So these letters that he leaves are legendary between me, the other roommate, my friend (who got 5 of his own), and an other mutual friend that use to stay there (which of whom was told, “When will our house guest be leaving?”)

Letter #1

“Spencer/Jud,

Things have been getting messy lately. Please respect house rules and clean the common space and kitchen after you are done using it.

Please clean the mess and dishes by tonight because I am having company.”

Jud and I were confused because there was one bowl in the sink and who refers to friends coming for dinner as “company”?!

Letter #2

Spencer,

“Please don’t use things in the apartment that don’t belong to you without asking. Specifically things in the pantry, refrigerator and kitchen. Everyone buys their own food.

-Aric”

My response:

“We didn’t eat any of your food. We bought all that food today at Costco.”

Letter #3
He wrote back:

“I came home to my salad dressing out on the counter (I put it away before you could use it) and saw you use my butter. I can’t afford to grocery shop for the both of you and me. Please use ONLY your stuff.

Also, cleaning up after yourself (which I appreciate you putting your stuff away) includes wiping up messes – see counter next to foreman grill – throwing away lint/dryer sheets, wiping off trash can lid – see lid below -. All I’m asking is that you take care of your stuff and be respectful. If you don’t do it, I get to, and that’s not cool.

I promise I’m not trying to be an ass about this (though I recognize it seems like it) but we had ZERO problems with this stuff before you moved in and it will just be best for everyone if each of us takes care of our business ourselves.

We can talk about this later if you would prefer.”

My response:

“I didn’t use your butter. I have my own. I haven’t even done laundry yet, so how could there be lint/dryer sheet messes? I’ve deep cleaned the oven, fridge, and microwave. How does this meet your previous high standards?
Sorry its been hard for you. Bottom line is, let’s not make mountains out of molehills. Sorry.”

Letter #4

Everything was good for a month until I received his latest note:

“Spencer/Fiance,

Its obvious we don’t particularly like one another, but I really have tried to be respectful of you coming into our house, making/leaving messes, and monopolizing the common space.

I have asked you to clean up, but your messes continue and seem only to get worse.
Frankly, its disrespectful and rude – knowing that the standard of cleanliness here was high – to come in and so blatantly be messy.

Since you do not respect me and my space, I will no longer be silent or stand and watch. I will maintain the kitchen as I see fit. However, any messes you make that I have to clean will consist of me throwing said mess away. If you don’t want your stuff thrown away, clean it up. That simple. I am starting this immediately.”

Here’s my response:

“The gloves are comin’ off!

Don’t use the word “we” or “our”. You are on your own. I’ve discussed this with Jud and he completely disagrees with you (as did James.) If you throw any of my stuff away, you’ll be surprised when your things disappear.

If you want insane rules, get your own house. Other people live here (and we all pay rent) and we both disagree with you.
We’re only here till the end of this month. I’m sure you can deal with imaginary messes for now. You’re never here anyways.

ps- leave the mail key so anyone can use it”

He ended up throwing that letter away and he hasn’t touched anyone’s stuff.

We were thinking of posting his info in some gay personals. What do you think? What would you do for revenge?